just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
