Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize