I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
