Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
