I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
