another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
