matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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