Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
