what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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