He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Enjoy the penises
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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