My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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