remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
