I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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