Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
