So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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