Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
