what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
