I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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