Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
