Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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