I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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