i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's official drugs can't kill me
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
