I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
