Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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