I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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