hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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