just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
