i wish my penis had a tongue
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Randomize
