Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize