dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
