But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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