break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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