What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
