Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
