I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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