You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
