my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize