I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
