i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just had sex on a roof
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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