My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
