I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
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