I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
