ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
