I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
