you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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