Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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