The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
