i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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