i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
