you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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