I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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