i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
