the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
