i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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