I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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