I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
