Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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