He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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