i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
