Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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