I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
