You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
God gave him joint rollers for hands
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
